I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
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My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
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He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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