I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
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my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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