Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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