My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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