I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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