Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
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My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
soo... how was my night?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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