you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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