I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
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There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
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You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The uberlube is also flammable
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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