I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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