I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Mom said you looked used
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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