He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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