Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
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Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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