There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
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I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
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You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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