so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
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Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
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That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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