i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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