the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
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My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
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