U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
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