Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
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she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
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So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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