I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
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In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
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I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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