I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize