Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
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He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
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'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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