my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
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the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
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He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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