so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
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