we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize