you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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