Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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