It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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