I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
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I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
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Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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