Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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