It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
my shit smells like andre
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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