I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
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Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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