We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
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I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
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My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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