Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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