Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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