i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
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I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
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You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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