My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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