My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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