Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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