haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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