just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
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He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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