sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
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I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
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My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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