Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
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You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
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Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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