Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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