I puked a lego.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
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