It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
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What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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