I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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