Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
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we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
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I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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