my text book just quoted the cookie monster
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
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Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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