I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
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he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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