I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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